What Can a Hostage Negotiator Teach You About Parenting?
Quite a lot, it seems.
Before Substack, there was Tiny Letter, the platform that housed my first newsletter. I used to write monthly “love letters” to my subscribers and today, as I was cleaning up an old email account, I found this one:
What Can a Hostage Negotiator Teach You About Parenting?
The full letter is below in it’s original form. While the writing is a few years old, the message is as relevant as ever.
My oldest is now 22 and my youngest is closing in on 18. What the FBI hostage negotiator shares I have lived with my own kids. Connection, empathy, and listening are, indeed, foundational to healthy, thriving relationships.
February 2021
Love Letter #9
The other day, I was listening to a podcast while painting my bedroom.
The guy being interviewed was a former FBI hostage negotiator. It was interesting in all the ways you would think listening to an FBI hostage negotiator would be, but what stuck out to me about the stories he was sharing was the following:
No matter who you are, feeling heard and understood is a fundamental human need.
Allow me to explain.
One particular story the agent shared was about a man who, by all accounts, was a horrible human. He described him as "straight out of the movies, terrorist" and someone "empathy is not supposed to work on".
Yet, through the negotiations, he uncovered that while the guy may have been asking for money and power, deep down his desire to be connected to another person (empathy) and to be heard and truly listened to (labeling and mirroring) were bigger.
Thankfully, being a parent is nothing like a hostage negotiation. (Although one could argue that trying to help toddlers share toys, siblings deescalate an argument, or the sleep deprivation that comes with being a new parent feels like a hostage situation, we know that's just being melodramatic.)
We can, however, utilize the basic principles of human behavior that seasoned hostage negotiators use, which are:
1. Show empathy
2. Label and Mirror
Showing empathy can look like this:
Letting your children know that you hear them and that you want to understand.
Getting down to their level, looking them in the eyes, and inviting them to share.
Offering a hug or embrace (and be willing to accept their refusal).
Allowing them into your personal space.
Making them feel secure and safe.
Considering your body language. Does it say, "I am here for you"?
Labeling and Mirroring looks like this:
Refraining from judgment.
Retelling them back what you heard them say. For example:
"It makes you really mad when your baby sister plays with your toy trains because she breaks them."
"You don't like it when I don't include you in making the plans for our day."
Agreeing with how they see things whenever possible:
"I completely understand how you could see things that way."
"I see how that situation would make you upset."
The more you show you understand, the more your children will open up AND feel connected to you.
When kids feel connected to you, they naturally want to behave better.
When my children were much younger and they got upset about something, labeling their feelings and retelling them what I was witnessing calmed them down so quickly it almost felt like I was cheating.
That is the POWER of validating someone's experience. And it still applies to this day except now they are teenagers.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE:
You don't have to agree with your child's emotional reaction to a situation to effectively bear witness. Sometimes, people just need to know they are heard.
*****
Further in the podcast, funny enough, the interviewer asked a question about negotiating with children and when to use authority. I appreciate what the FBI agent said in response:
"Using authority is bad for the long term. If it's with your children, you're conditioning them that they can't win without authority. If you are getting your way with your kid based on authority, what kind of core value are you showing them?"
He goes on to say that humans need stability, predictability, and boundaries. Our goal is to teach our kids how to think, not expect blind obedience.
Hear, hear!
More thinking, less blind obedience. YES!
So when your kids undoubtedly get out of sorts (because of their immature nervous system and their developmental phase), remember:
1. connect
2. let them know you are on their side
3. bear witness to their experience
4. be a predictable, stable place for them to land
5. find a solution and/or common ground together--help them think through the challenge.
May your negotiations be peaceful and your challenges met with empathy,
Warrior on!
Missy