Embracing Midlife with an Unschooling Mindset
According to the longevity data of the United States, I am closer to my death than I am to my birth. Nothing earth-shattering there. I also just celebrated my 52nd birthday which puts me comfortably in the age range we refer to as “midlife”. A time that is often associated with the word, “crisis”.
It’s understandable, really. Midlife brings a unique set of challenges, experiences, and transitions. I’m experiencing some now. As a cohort, midlifers grapple with aging bodies, aging parents, and aging children who have one foot out the nest (or who have already flown the coop). Marriages are changing or ending, careers may be peaking, and financial and/or health concerns are on the rise.
When I looked at the research about midlife before writing this piece, I found mixed information. Some studies suggest that people in midlife are no more likely to experience psychological distress than people in other age brackets. Other studies suggest midlife is a uniquely tumultuous time. The latter coincides with the theory of the “midlife crisis” that Elliott Jaques proposed in 1965.
In an analysis of data from the U.S.A, Australia, and the U.K., a paper in Economica documented a rise in distress amongst middle-aged individuals.
“The human midlife crisis seems to be an important and under-recognized phenomenon. We document longitudinal evidence of extreme distress among middle-aged adults in affluent countries. These individuals are close to their peak lifetime earnings and in general have experienced no serious illness. Our findings therefore appear to point to a disturbing paradox within modern society.”
The idea that the midlife crisis could be an under-recognized phenomenon coincides with findings of a paper published in American Psychologist entitled: Midlife in the 2020s: Opportunities and challenges:
“Middle-aged adults are facing unprecedented societal challenges, but scientifically, midlife remains largely uncharted territory.”
So, “midlife remains largely uncharted territory”, and there is “a disturbing paradox [of suffering] within modern society”. What’s a midlifer to do?
When Cracks Start Forming
Think about it…from childhood onward, we are in Take-Life-By-the-Reins mode. In our modern, hustle culture, there is promise, possibility, and stuff to do. Life is busy and exciting, challenging, and adventurous. We are s-t-r-i-v-i-n-g.
In our youthfulness we fill up on experiences and relationships, goal setting, and goal achieving. We seek skills and education, a job, a career, a partner, and our place. We start families and settle down. We refer to this time as “stability” and we feel a sense of accomplishment. Things are relatively good… for a while.
Then, one by one, all the things we strived for, what we have grown used to by midlife, what we called stability, begin to shift. Whether it’s our health, our relationships, our finances, or our jobs, cracks start forming. These cracks are twofold: a natural progression of living longer, i.e. circumstances out of our control, or as a direct result of choices we have made along the way. Regardless, the ground doesn’t seem as stable under our feet as it once was and psychological stress rises. Fear and worry may become regular companions as we think about our future and long for our past. Regret and shame may join the party, too.
We wonder,
“Where do I fit in?”
“What is my purpose, now that I’m older?”
“Did I waste precious years?”
“Will I be able to support myself for another 30 years?”
“Do I have what it takes to start something new or different?”
I’m not saying people in midlife will experience all the above (or any of it, for that matter), but when you take into consideration the findings of the Economica paper that shows “hill-shaped patterns in data on:
suicide
sleeping problems
extreme depression
intense job strain
disabling headaches
suicidal feelings
concentration and memory problems
alcohol dependence”
…it seems logical for us to be thoughtful about the unique time that is midlife and arm ourselves with psychological supports. Staying curious and flexible could be very helpful, too. This is where unschooling comes in.
EDITED TO ADD: New data has come in and it’s troubling. This particular topic deserves more attention and a much longer post, but wanted to include this since it came to my attention after I wrote this essay.
The Power of an Unschooling Mindset
In James Hollis’ book, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up, he invites us to embrace this time as the gift it truly is in the grand scheme of human existence. He writes:
In this new century, we have twice the length of adult life than our forebears were granted. Thus we are faced with an unprecedented opportunity and responsibility to live more consciously.
And, I think he’s onto something. He also says:
“Wherever the soul's agenda is not served, some pathology will surface in the arena of daily life.”
If life is a coin, the two sides are adventure AND suffering. As the years tick on we undoubtedly have more opportunity for both. And if we have lived any part of our lives on autopilot, midlife is usually the time when the the pilot wakes up, looks around and wonders, “How did I get here?”
Hollis talks about our waking up (or becoming conscious of our journey) as an attempt to bring our spiritual and psychological lives into alignment and integrity. He also says:
The phenomenon of consciousness is both traumatic and the great gift, and these apparent opposites forever remain comrades.
It can be confronting to reach midlife with feelings of uncertainty about your future.
It can be depressing to recognize that you’ve worked hard and loved even harder to find your life undermined by financial instability or relationship disappointments or health issues or inflation.
It can be frightening to realize that you have lived a large portion of your life according to someone else’s plan and your soul is not having it anymore.
This is the “traumatic” Hollis speaks of.
The “gift”, on the other hand, is the awareness. Now that you know, you are fully present, and you can take psychological and physical action.
Living the unschooling life with my own children has given me a leg up in midlife, I do believe. For almost two decades, the principles of unschooling have helped me embrace life as the great adventure it is. While raising my kids outside of the conventional schooling model I have learned to let go of this idea that you can “lesson plan” learning, and therefore, life. Unschooling calls us to live in the moment, to flow, like water, into new ideas, new adventures, new experiences, and gives us the freedom to rest on those rocks in the water and bask in the sun for a stint.
Unschooling has taught me that no matter how hard I try to predict the future, I can not. Certainty is an illusion. While we can use past experiences and patterns to make a pretty good guess, ultimately we just don’t know exactly where life will lead. And, although this can be scary af (to borrow the lingo of the time), there’s an element of freedom to this truth in that we can stop trying so damn hard to steer the ship and lean into enjoying the ride. I’m not suggesting that this will be easy, especially if you find yourself feeling afraid or angry or disappointed with how life has unfolded. But if you can shift your mindset from one of regret and angst to one of curiosity and wonder, midlife might not be so bad afterall.
If nothing else, unschooling my children reaffirmed the connection between following our innate interests and life satisfaction. It’s why hobbies are powerful and continuing education courses are filled up. We can take a page out of the handbook of our youth and seek physical and cognitive challenges in midlfe. The truth is, we are never done learning and striving makes us feel alive!
If you find yourself feeling detached from your interests or segregated from your dreams, I implore you to get reacquainted with yourself. Think about what lights you up. Is it playing an instrument? Singing? Painting? Baking? Leading a book club? Working with children or the elderly? Pick one thing and do it. If finances are tight or you are worried about income for the next twenty-plus years, maybe one or your hobbies can turn into an income stream! Communities tend to find a place for people who joyfully share the things they love.
A final thought…(and I say this as much for myself as I do to anyone reading) allow any pain that arises during this time to be acknowledged. See it. Name it. Now, let it go.
Moving forward with acceptance of what is versus depression of what was is how we stabilize the ground underneath us and put one foot in front of the other.
Breathe.
Put your hand to your heart, close your eyes, and tell yourself, it’s gonna be OK.
With abundant love and acceptance,
Missy
Love this Missy! I’m slowly leaning into the idea that I am an unschooler, and will always be, regardless of what my kids do. It changes everything about how I go about my life.
Beautiful. xx