Connection: The Other Vitamin C
Some parents assume that their primary role is to mold the next generation. I want to challenge this assumption. First, we are not sculptors, and our children are not inanimate pieces of lumpy clay. We do not shave off parts of them or smooth over their surface with our hands or tools. We do not create them in our image or shape them into something we conjure up to put on display.
Do we impact them? Of course. Do the environments we create and raise them in shape their understanding of the world and their place in it? Absolutely. But how boring would it be to create carbon copies of ourselves? How insensitive is it to spend energy trying to mold another human into someone we think they ought to be by ignoring their inborn characteristics?
Children come into this world full of potential and promise. I believe our role is to help them unleash their potential, to pull forth their skills, and to support them on their life-long journey of learning. This is why I view the parent-child relationship as something more resembling dance partners.
Whereas the sculptor has an idea in mind and does something to the clay to get a particular result, dance partners work in tandem to create a harmonious flow that considers each person’s rhythm, style, tempo, development, and experience.
Let’s walk (shimmy) this idea out, shall we?
When our children arrive, we spend more time leading and holding onto them because they are not steady on their feet. As they toddle and get their balance, they tend to follow our lead. We may step on each other’s toes or trip as we work to sync up, but over time, their body awareness increases, and their tempo becomes more evident. Their unique rhythm emerges, and they realize we are not them and they are not us. Simultaneously, we are learning, daily, when to step in and support or lead (as the more experienced dancer) or when to step back and give them the entire floor to practice and tryout their moves.
For this partnership to work well, it requires not only physical acuity, but mental acuity (awareness of self and other, focus, planning, etc.) which increases with practice and maturity. Most importantly, it requires a foundation of connection.
What exactly is connection and why does it matter?
Connection, as defined by merriam-webster.com, is the state of being connected. “Connected” means joined or linked together. While this seems straightforward enough in relation to the physicality of a dance partnership, it does not explain the importance of emotional connection between people, and that’s the nourishment I’m referring to when I say “the other vitamin C”.
Connection matters because it lets our children know we are available, we care, we love them, and we delight in their company. And it takes effort. As Dr. Lawrence J. Cohen, author of Playful Parenting explains:
“But even the most loved and well-cared-for child, with no major losses or traumas, whose cup is in good shape, seems to have a bottomless need for love. His or her cup may be intact, but it still needs almost constant refilling. Therefore, the most important thing we have to offer to our children is our ability to make them feel loved, respected, wanted, and welcome.”
Human relationships are a nervous system experience.
From the moment we are born we are ruled by our nervous system. We vocalize in coos and cries to alert those we depend on to help us or hold us. Our body feels at ease or it does not. As we age our nonverbal repertoire grows as we continue to sense and send information through bodily cues and facial expressions. Things like: a warm smile, a coy grin, an eyeroll, blushing, or a blank stare. The power of nonverbal communication is undeniable and what we sense from others affects our desire to pursue a relationship or to run the other way.
Think about the shiver down your spine when someone “gives you the creeps” or the “butterflies” in your stomach when someone you are attracted to acknowledges your existence with a smile or head nod. Not a word uttered yet your nervous system knows. This is true for our children, too, and impacts their decisions on who to spend time with and who to avoid, including us.
Don’t fall prey to the idea that your children automatically feel at ease in your presence just because you are their parent.
In the fantastic book by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté, Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, they explain:
“Children do not automatically grant us the authority to parent them just because we are adults, or just because we love them or think we know what is best for them or have their best interests at heart.”
If this is true, then what are we to do? How can we positively impact our children and build a healthy relationship if our love is not enough? It goes back to the nervous system.
When we interact with our kids, we are affecting their nervous system one way or the other. With positive (emotional) connections we can increase the likelihood that they feel comfortable around us or we can push them towards disconnection by treating them poorly, being inconsistent, and/or not meeting their unique needs for connection.
Much research into parenting, neuroscience, and child development has yielded a sizeable amount of data that suggests the foundational years (growing in the womb up through early childhood) are critical in the development of nervous system regulation as well as psychological intimacy with caregivers. Here’s what this looks like in infancy:
being in close proximity to calm, attentive, loving caregivers
being fed, clothed, sheltered, and cleaned
caregivers responding to their cues (crying or cooing) in a timely, consistent and calm manner
fresh air and time outside
eye gazing—looking into your baby’s eyes while talking softly, singing, and smiling. Allow your eyes to light up and hold the contact for a natural amount of time.
holding, cuddling, rocking, and carrying around (in-arms). Direct physical contact is paramount in the “fourth trimester”, which are three months post birth. (Physical contact is important after this, too, of course, but the 4th trimester is an especially sensitive time period.)
consistency in caregivers
calm and healthy environments free of smoke, excessive noise, and chaos
playfulness (simple games, like peekaboo or blowing raspberries on their tummy)
Co-sleeping or same room sleeping in order to respond quickly to their cues. (more below)
A baby’s nervous system is not fully developed and they do not “self-soothe” as many may suggest. What adults see as self-soothing can actually be a child giving up. Their calls have been unanswered so they stop trying.
It’s like your spouse asking you to pass the salt, but you ignore him and he keeps asking, but you keep ignoring him and he stops asking. His desire for salting his food did not stop, but he did stop asking you. And guess what? Your spouse may be able to make sense of the situation because his nervous system is fully developed and he is emotionally regulated, but a baby is not there yet. This is why they require around the clock care. Your physical presence can calm their nervous system.
Outside of infancy, connecting through the ages requires more creative engagement. Some of the strongest ways to connect with your kids are through playfulness and laughter.
The Need for Healthy Play
Playing, in a healthy manner, leads to bonding over a shared interest, releases feel-good brain chemicals, and allows kids to see the less serious side of a parent. “In a healthy manner” means to avoid things like mocking, taunting, shaming, excessive use of sarcasm or joking, and mean-spirited teasing or picking, and intense competitiveness.
While some teasing and joking is actually fun, funny, and playful be aware of your child’s temperament and adjust accordingly. Some kids think it’s funny to be razzed a little and it is even possible to bond over “smack talk”, but parents who do this to excess, who embarrass their child, or attack their character in some way are severing connection instead of cementing it.
Healthy play leaves children with a full cup. It allows them to test their strengths, to work on their limitations, and to “win” at least some of the time. In the animal kingdom, it has been shown that a dominant, stronger animal will allow a weaker animal to win during rough play a fraction of the time. Research suggests this happens because if the stronger animal wins all the time, he will lose playmates and therefore a chance to interact in playful, bonding ways with those in his community. Talk about a direct path to loneliness for the bigger animal.
Likewise, in the parent-child relationship, if the parent, with more knowledge and skill beats the child every time they play together, the child may stop asking to play. Where’s the fun in that for the child? And worse, how can you build an emotional connection when you regularly upset your kids and/or lose opportunities for playfulness?
This is why you hold back on responding even if you know the answer. It’s why you don’t overcorrect or constantly interject when your child is trying a new skill. It’s why you purposefully miss the shot, swing too early, or drop the ball when your kids are younger. They are building their skill set and confidence in conjunction with a relationship with you. Not to mention your playful klutziness is likely to garner a few laughs, too.
On a serious note, they need to see you fail (even if it’s purposeful sometimes and even if they know it) because you are showing them that perfection doesn’t exist. In addition, you get to model emotional awareness and resilience by brushing off your misses, losses, and failed attempts while still having fun and enjoying yourself.
Get Your Play On
The choices for play are endless and I’m not talking about your kids playing with their toys in isolation. While that can and does happen, it is the togetherness of play that brings about feelings of closeness.
When children seek our attention, instead of thinking they are being clingy or lazy or bored, reconsider that they may be making a bid for connection—-psychological intimacy—with you.
Could they also be looking for some entertainment as well? Yep. But does that really matter? The act of being together, being interested, and being fully present (not on your phone, not simultaneously talking to a friend, not multitasking) is how the nourishment (and connection) happens.
“Play is also a way to be close and, even more important, a way to reconnect after the closeness has been severed. Chimpanzees like to tickle one another's palms, especially after they have had a fight. Thus, the second purpose of play serves our incredible - almost bottomless - need for attachment and affection and closeness.”
Lawrence Cohen- Playful Parenting
Thank you for reading. If this is your first time here, Welcome to Substack! Here is where I write longer form essays, share books I love, and dive into parenting, education, and human behavior with the goals of deeper understanding of and connection to one another.
If you’re into homeschooling and/or want to learn more about unschooing, I co-wrote an e-book with Ann Hansen of Inner Parent Coaching. Our 43-page guide is in response to the many questions we have received over the years. It is the guide we wish we had when we were in the early days of unschooling. It’s also a quick and easy read that explains what self-directed education is (and isn’t) incase you are looking for a way to understand this lifestyle better and/or to share the principles with a family member, spouse, or friend. Grab a copy here!
